Click the "Post a Comment" link to add your favourite (clean) joke... there will be a prize in a few weeks for the best one...
... update (07/12/07): DW was the overall winner of the competition, and RMc came a close second... enjoy your torches guys... we'll run an activity that you can use them on soon! I'll be checking that DW learns to juggle too!
... the rest of you can still add your jokes to this post... if there are lots of good ones, we might have a second round of judging...
Sign your joke at the bottom with your initials... I'll figure out who you are!
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Friday 26 October 2007
Joke Competition
208 comments:
1 – 200 of 208 Newer› Newest»Here's one to get you started...
Knock knock...
Who's there?
Cows go...
Cows go Who?
No they don't, Cows go MOO!
By AN
Another to keep you on your way
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.
The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.
On the way they meet this old camel. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"
by AN (Beavers)
there is two boys called shut up and trouble.they are playing hidy tig. shut up climbs a lamp-post and then the police come.the police ask him, whats your name, he says shut up,the police ask him whats your name he says shut up,the policeman says are you looking for trouble,shut up says no troubles looking for me
By RMc
knock knock..
whos there?
kanga..
kanga who?
no,kanga-roo
what do karate experts catch at winter
kung-flu
By RMc
what do you get if you cross Batman&Robin with a steamroller?
Flatman&Ribon
By RMc
Where do ponys go when they get sick?
The horse-pital
AN courtesy of CM
Have you ever seen the movie constipated?
It never came out!
By David W
What do you can a deer with no eyes?
No eyed deer (no idea-get it)
What do you call a deer ith no eyes and no legs?
Still no eyed deer (still no idea...)
By David W
What was the fly doing on the ice cream?
Learning to ski!
Where does a dinosaur get a new tail?
At the retail shop!
By David
What happened to the tap dancer?
He fell down the sink!
By David W
theres an english man irish man and a scottish man.there in a hotel,the irish man goes into his room and he heres a voice saying am gony rip your heed af,the irish man runs out and tells the scottish man and the english man.the english man walks in and heres a voice saying am gony rip your heed af,the english man tells the scottish man.the scottish man walks in and heres the voice saying am gony rip your heed af,the scottish man looks in the wardrobe and sees a little guy with some jelly babies ripping there heads off.
by RMc
why did the man put his money in the freezer?
he wanted cold hard cash
byRMc
what do you call a girl whos always in the bookies?
Betty
why did the belt go to jail??
because he was holding up the pants
byRMc
What prehistoric reptile went down the yellow brick road?
The Lizard of Oz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire???????????
frostbite
by RMc
theres a english man,irish man and a scotts man theyre in a plane thats about to crash.they each get a wish.the scotts man wishes that he could land in a pile of women so he jumps off and lands in a pile of women.the english man wishes he could land in a swimming pool of beer so he jumps off and lands in a swimming pool off beer.the irish man slips and says crap,and lands in a pile of crap!!!!!!!!!
byRMc
what did the pencil sharpener say to pencil?????
stop turning round and get to the point
byRMc
why did one hand cross the road????
to get to the second hand shop
when should you go on a trampoline?
spring time of course
by RMc
why did the boy sprinkle sugar over his pillow????????
he wanted sweet dreams
why did tiger look down the toilet?
to look for pooh
byRMc
what did the hamburger name his daughter?????????????????????????
Patty
by RMc
what did the porcupine say to the cactus????????????
is that you mommy
by RMc
where do cows go on holidaY????????
MOO YORK
by RMc
when do you go to the beach???????
Sunday of course
by RMc
Whats the biggest moth in the world?
A mam-moth!!!!!
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a duckling?
A diplo-duck-us!
By David
What do you get if you cross a sabre-toothed tiger with an elderly gentleman in a red coat and white beard?
Santa Claws!
By David
What do you you call a dinosaur that has eaten a dictionary?
A dino-thesaurus!
By David
Is anyone safe when a man-eating sabre-toothed tiger is on the loose?
Yes-women and children!
By David
What happened when the male triceratops met the female triceratops?
It was love at first fright!
By David
Why did the toilet roll run down the hill?
To get to the bottom!!!
By David
Theres an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman and there in a hotel.The Irishman choping some onions when he chops his finger off.So he tells the Scotsman who started a barby with some saugages on the grill.The Englishman is shaving when he cuts off his middle.He tells the Scotsman what happened.Then the Scotsman says "Thats an extra two saugages for me".!!!!!
By David
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a radiator?
Central Bleating!!!
By David
Doctor Doctor I think I have been bitten by a vampire!
Drink a glass of water.
Will it make me better?
No but I will be able to see if your neck leeks.
By David
Nurse:Doctor theres an invisible man in the waiting-room.
Doctor:Tell him I can't see him!
By David
What is small,pink,wrinkly,and beongs to Grandpa?
Grandma!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By David
At what time does a duck wake up?
at the quack of dawn!!
By David W
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes? I hope i didn't quack any!!!
By David W
What colour is a burp?
Burple!!
By David W
Why should bowling alleys be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!!
By David W
What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet!!
By David W
Whats black and white and red all over?
A zebra with a rash!!!
By David W
Who spends the most time in a bathroom?
A plumber !!!
By David W
How do you get a alien baby to sleep?
You rock-et!!
By David W
What did obi-wan say to luke at dinner time?
May the forks be with you!!!
By David W
How do you make the number one dissapear?
Add a g to it and its gone!!!
By David W
What has two hands but cant clap?
A clock!!!
By David W
What coat has no buttons?
A coat of paint!!!
By David W
What do you get if you cross a zombie with a boy scout?
A creature that scares old ladies across the road !!!
By David W
How do you get a ghost to lie perfectly flat?
You use a spirit level !!!
By David W
why did the robber jump in a shower after he had robbed a bank
because he wanted a clean getaway
by RMc
whats flourescent,sweet and helps children to cross the road?
a lollypop lady
byRMc
which sport do chefs like to play
bowls
byRMc
whats the pointiest sweet in a sweetshop
a spearmint
byRMc
what happened when the boy went to buy a pair of camouflage trousers??
he couldnt find any
by RMc
why did the computer go to the doctors????????????????????????????
it had a nasty virus
by RMc
why did the snooker player feel off colour????????????????????????
he wasnt getting enough greens
why did the banana go to the doctors?????????????????????
he wasnt peeling too well
byRMc
what do double agents play when they go on holiday?????
i spy
byRMc
how do you join the cubs????
rope them all together
byRMc
where do milkshakes come from??????
tap-dancing cows
by RMc
didyou hear about the mean old monster who turned into a pig????
he was a swine
by RMc
what flavoured squash did the ogre like?????????
lemon and slime
byRMc
Why did the man throw his watch out the window?
He wanted to see time fly!!!!!!!!
By David
What is green fuzzy has 4 legs & could hurt you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool Table!!!!
By David
What did the alien say to the plant?
Take me to your weeder!!!!
By David
What is a fairy that never washes?
Stinkerbell!!!!
By David
What did the teddy bear say after it ate?
I'm stuffed!!!!
By David
Can you use green pink and yellow in a sentence?
When the phone goes green green I pink it up and say yellow!!!!!!!!!
By David
how do monsters cook there food????
they terror-fry it
byRMc
which soap operas do monsters love to watch???????????
BeastEnders and Coronation Screech
by RMc
did you hear about the brave turkey??????????????????
it wasnt chicken
by RMc
did you here about the speedy boiled egg?????
it couldnt be beaten
whenis a hot vegetable not a hot vegetable?????????????
when its a chilli
byRMc
why do golfers wear two pair of trousers??
in case they get a hole in one
by RMc
how do you make a sausege roll?????
roll it down a hill
by RMc
why shouldnt you skate on a full stomach???????????
bacause its easier to ice skate on a ice rink
by RMc
why didnt the skeleton cross the road??????????????
it didnt have the guts
by RMc
how did the snailkeep its shell so shiny????????
with snail varnish
by RMc
what do you call a fairy who is allergic to soap and water???
stinkerbell
by RMc
what do you call a monster with no ears????
anything you like-he cant hear you
where do cows go on a saturday night?
the moooovies
by RMc
which safari animal is really stinky????
a smellephant
by RMc
how do fish "n" chip shops mistreat fish??????????????????????
they batter them
by RMc
how do you make a tissue dance????
put a little boogey in it!!!
by RMc
why did the boy eat his homework???
because the teacher said it was a peice of cake!!!!!!!!!!!!
why did the bird go to hospital???
to get tweetment!!!!!!!!!
what did the traffic light say to the car??
dont look im changing
have you heard of joke about the butter?????????????????
i better not tell you,it might spread
by RMc
knock knock....
whos there?
nobody...
nobody who?
by RMc
knock knock
whos there
orange
orange who
knock knock
whos there
orange
orange who
knock knock
whos there
bannana
bannana who
arent you glad i didnt say orange
by RMc
did you here about the man who dreamt that he ate a giant marshmallow????
he woke up and found that his pillow was missing
by RMc
who designed noahs ark
an Ark-itect
by RMc
what animal should you never play cards with????
a cheetah
by RMc
when is the best time to buy budgies???????
when theyre going cheap
by RMC
where do birds meet for a coffe????
in a nest-cafe
by RMc
what do you call a woodpecker with no beak???????????
a headbanger!!!!!!!
by RMc
what did one candle say to the other???????
are you going out tonight
byRMc
What do you call a babys knees???????
Kid-neys
By David
When do astronauts eat their lunch???
At launch time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By David
what happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards?
He ate himself!
By DW
What is a dimple?
A pimple going the wrong way.
By DW
Why do gorllas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
Bt DW
How did Noah see to the animals in the Ark?
By flood lighting!
By DW
Why is a football stadium cool?
Its full of fans!
By DW
How do you know if your cats got a bad cold?
He has cat-arrh!
By DW
What is brown one minute and white the next?
A rat in a deep-freeze.
By DW
Why won,t midfield players travel by airplane?
In case they are put on the wing.
By DW
What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
By DW
What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear?
A space invader.
By DW
What did the grape do when the elephant sat on it?
It let out a little wine.
By DW
How do fleas travel from place to place?
By itch hiking.
By DW
Did you hear about the idiot who won the tour de france?
He did a lap of honour.
By DW
Whats the hottest letter of the alphabet?
B It makes oil boil.
By DW
Whydid the farmer plow his field with a steamroller?
Because he planned to grow mashed potatoes.
By DW
What do you call a fish like reptile thats always scratching?
An itchy old sore us!!!!!!!!!!!
By DW
What do you get if you cross a Brontosaurus with fireworks?
Dino mite.
By DW
how do pigs go to hospital????
in a hambulance
by RMc
how can you get four suits for a dollar????????
by a deck of cards
by RMc
what do you get if you cross an elephant with a kanga-roo???
big holes all over australia
by RMc
what clothes does a house wear????
address
by RMc
what happens when frogs park illegally???
they get toad
byRMc
whats a trees favourite drink???
root beer
by RMc
what did one magnet say to the other?????
i find you very attractive
by RMc
what do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer????????
a brick layer
by RMc
what do you call a pig that does karate????
pork chop
by RMc
What do Abominable snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
By DW
Where do Abominable snowmen hgo to dance?
Snowballs.
By DW
What is the Abominable snowmans favourite book?
War and frozen peas!!!
By DW
Whats a banana's favourite game show?
Peel of Fortune!!!
By DW
Why did the skeleton stay out in the snow all night?
He was a numbskull!!!
By DW
Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking i'm the Abominable snowman.
Keep cool.
By DW
Why was the snowman no good at playing in the big match?
He got cold feet!!!
By DW
What goes hum-choo hum choo?
A bee with a cold!!!
By DW
What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a cold?
Coffin medicine!!!
By DW
Whats hairy and damp and sits shivering at fairs?
A coconut with a cold!!!
By DW
Why do skeletons hate winter?
Because the cold goes right through them!!!
By DW
What can a schoolboy keep and give away at the same time?
A cold!!!
By DW
How do sheep keep warm in winter?
Central bleating!!!
By DW
What do you call a witch who likes the beach but is scared of the water?
A chicken sand-witch.
By DW
Did you hear about the idiot who made his chickens drink boiling water?
He thought they would lay hard boiled eggs!!!
By DW
why did the teacher wear a lifejacket at night?
Because she liked sleeping on a waterbed and couldn't swim!!!
By DW
When is the water in the shower room musical?
When its piping hot!!!
By DW
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
It ran out of juice!!!
By DW
Doctor doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there.
By DW
What kind of beans do cannibals like best?
Human beans.!!
By DW
Waiter waiter why is my apple pie all mashed up?
You did ask me to step on it sir.
By DW
How did the baker get an electric shock?
He stood on a bun and a current ran up his leg!!!
By DW
Whats a twip?
What a wabbit calls a twain ride!!!
By DW
On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
On the outside!!!
By DW
My dog saw a sign that said Wet Paint.
So he did!!!
By DW
What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A Tyrannosuarus wrecks!!
By DW
What is at the top of a Triceratops legs?
A Tricerabottom!!!
By DW
What happened to the mammoth in a brewery?
He got trunk!!!
By DW
Which prehistoric creatures made the best police?
Tricera cops!!!
By DW
Why did the Tyannosaurus have such sharp teeth?
To open tins of fruit!!!
By DW
Who makes suits and eats spinach?
Popeye the tailorman!!!
By DW
Why do barbers make good drivers?
Because they know all the short cuts!!!
By DW
What is a ghosts favourite dessert?
Boo berry pie with i scream!!!
By DW
Whch capital city cheats at exams?
Peking!!!!!
By DW
Why do idiots eat biscuits?
Because they're crackers!!!!!!!!!!!
By DW
Why are school cooks cruel?
Because they batter fish and beat eggs!!!!!
By DW
What happens if you play table tennis with a bad egg?
First it goes ping then it goes pong!!!!
By DW
Why is it not safe to sleep on trains?
Because they run over sleepers!!!!!!
By DW
knock knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
You dont have to cry its only me.
AS
What do you call an xploding monkey?
Baboom!!!!!!
A S
Theres a Scottish man English man an Irish man, all lined up in front of a firing squad. The Scotish man shout's earth quake, they panick and he runs away.The English man Shout's tornado, they panick and he runs away, the Irish man shout's fire so they shoot him.
which of santas reindeers is bad mannered?????
rude-olph
by RMc
Passer by to fisherman. Is this river any good for fish?
Fisherman it must be. I can't get any ofthem to leave it.!!!!
By DW
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Really Why not?
Because they,re long enough already.
By DW
A noice woke me up this morning.
What was that?
The crack of dawn.
By DW
I wonder where i got that puncture?
Maybe it was at the last fork in the road!!!!
By DW
How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts rover !!!!!
By DW
What do you get if you cross a cow and a camel?
Lumpy milkshakes!!!!
By DW
How do fleas travel from place to place?
By itch hiking!!!!!
By DW
Donald: my canary died of flu.
Dora: I didn't know canaries got flu.
Donald: mine flew into a car!!!
By DW
My uncle's got a wooden leg>
That's nothing my auntie has a wooden chest!!!
By DW
My auntie has a sore throat. What should she do?
Take aunti- septic!!!!
By DW
Waiter: and how did you find your meat sir?
customer: oh I just lifted a potato and there it was!!!
By DW
Who's stronger than a muscleman who can tear up a telephone diectory?
Someone who can tear up a street!!!
By DW
Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed?
To catch her false teeth!!!
By DW
What is the most popular food served at a nudist camp?
Skinless sausages!!!!
By DW
Whats the best thing to put into a pizza?
Your teeth!!!!
By DW
Which soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Seasoned troopers!!!!
By DW
My dad is stupid. He thinks a fjord is a norwegian motor car!!!
By DW
Why did the stupid pilot land his plane on a house?
Because the landing lights were on!!!
By DW
How did a baby dinosaur fit into a egg?
Eggsactly!!!
By DW
what do you do with a blue dinosaur?
Try to cheer it up!!!
By DW
Patient: I keep seeing dinosaurs.
Doctor: have you seen a psychiatrist?
Patient: no just dinosaurs!!!
By DW
Robot: I have to dry my feet carefully after a bath.
Monster: why?
Robot: otherwise i get rusty nails!!!
By DW
Did you hear about the monster who was known as captain kirk?
he ad a left ear, a right ear and a final front ear!!!
By DW
Where does Dracula keep his savings?
In the blood bank!!!
By DW
She's so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes!!!
By DW
daddy, daddy, can i have another glass of water please?
bt that's the tenth one i've given you tonight.
yes but the baby's bedroom is still on fire!!!
By DW
where to cows go on a school trip?
the muooseum!
By RMc
DW i entered the 200th joke
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